Homophobia Experience Report – Where does the fear of being different come from?

Homophobia Experience Report: There are many personal accounts of rejection, fear, and the often long and arduous path to self-acceptance. Here is one of them.

I still remember exactly when I first heard the word “faggot.” I was eleven, at school, and I know now that it wasn’t directed at me, not yet. But I knew right away: this word hurts because it was so full of contempt and said, “You’re not like us, and that’s wrong.” At the time, I didn’t know I was gay. But something inside me already knew that it could be dangerous if I were.

Today, 15 years later, I know that this early feeling is called homophobia. And it was (and still is) everywhere. It resonated in the language of my classmates. It showed in my teachers’ nervousness when they talked about “the subject.” I could feel it in my relatives’ questions when they asked me, “So, do you have a girlfriend yet?” And it was also present in myself.

How I experienced homophobia myself

In my youth, I constantly tried to fit in, tried not to stand out. I made sure not to speak too femininely and not to be interested in the “wrong” things. When the boys talked about girls, I joined in and lied, of course. I played soccer, even though I would have preferred to draw. Whenever it seemed necessary, I censored myself for fear of being discovered.

When I came out at 19, it didn’t feel like the ultimate liberation, it was more like a cautious step into the unknown. I told my best friend. His seemingly relaxed comment: “That’s fine. I don’t care.” But he never hugged me again when we greeted each other. I wondered for a long time why that was. Today I know that in his eyes I was no longer the same person. It was a real disappointment for me at the time that homophobia didn’t just disappear after I came out. No wonder, since it had become ingrained in my thinking. It manifested itself as doubt, shame, and the feeling of being “different” that I believed I had to hide.

What is behind homophobia?

I have since spent a lot of time exploring this topic because I wanted to understand why people like me are so often confronted with rejection. I have learned that homophobia is not simply “hatred.” It is much more subtle. It is embedded in education, religion, and old, long-outdated moral concepts. Homophobia is deeply rooted in history, including that of our country. Did you know that homosexuality was a criminal offense in Germany until 1994? The infamous Section 175 criminalized generations of gay men. During the Nazi era, thousands were arrested and sent to concentration camps simply because they loved men as men.

Such a history of violence leaves its mark on families, schools, churches, and government agencies. And even if no one today openly says “gay people should be locked up,” this invisible web of prejudice, defensiveness, embarrassment, and sometimes open hostility remains.

Why homophobia has such a profound effect

Homophobia works on many levels. It is ideological when it postulates the image of “man and woman” as the only “natural” one. It is institutional when queer young people do not have safe spaces at school. It is interpersonal when homosexual people are subjected to stares, comments, or jokes at family gatherings.

Unfortunately, it is also internalized. This is the worst level because it happens within yourself. I can speak from experience because I despised myself for a while. During that time, I thought I had to be “especially good” to compensate for my sexuality. I tried hard to be successful, popular, muscular, and masculine. All with the sole aim of not standing out.

Of course, I dated men. Paradoxically, I felt ashamed at the same time. I reflexively pulled my hands back when I walked through the city with my boyfriend. At the doctor’s office, I didn’t dare to talk openly about my sexuality. The funny thing was that I had always considered myself a confident person.

Language as a mirror of homophobia

Even today, people around me still use words like “gay” as an insult. When I confront them about it, they always say they don’t mean it that way. But it hits me every time, because language shapes reality. Recently, when I was sitting on the train, I heard two teenagers laughing: “Hey, check out that guy, he’s such a faggot. ” Unfortunately, I didn’t say anything, just stood there silently and felt small again. You could dismiss the scene as harmless, but it’s everyday life. And that everyday life hurts like hell because it reminds me that I still (or perhaps once again) have to constantly justify myself for simply being who I am.

The psychological consequences of homophobia – first-hand

There have been times in my life when I could barely get out of bed and when I thought that I wouldn’t lose anyone if I didn’t disappoint anyone. I was emotionally drained from pretending, from explaining, and from living a double life. I am not alone in this. Studies show that queer people have a significantly higher risk of depression, anxiety disorders, and suicidal thoughts. Not because we are “sick,” but because we often live in an environment that makes us sick. Fortunately, today I have people around me who love me for who I am. But it was a long road to get there. Unfortunately, too many queer people are still alone with their feelings.

What needs to change – and how you can help

Homophobia cannot be abolished by laws alone. What is really needed is a cultural change. And that starts in everyday life. If you are cis and heterosexual, ask yourself how you deal with the issue, what you say (or don’t say) when someone makes a homophobic remark. Ask yourself what you would say if your child or a friend came out. Are you a safe place, a silent observer, or a supporter of homophobia?

I wish there were more people who listen, who don’t judge too quickly, and who ask questions instead of making statements. We need people who take a stand and who don’t only find the issue important during Pride Month.

Unlearning homophobia – for a more open society

I have learned that I no longer have to hide, that I don’t have to please anyone, and that my way of loving is just as valid as any other. But I am also a realist and know that it will be a long time before queer people are truly equal, not only before the law, but in the heart of society. What gives me hope is every conversation, every encounter, and every person who opens up.

We must realize that homophobia is not natural. It is man-made. This is precisely where its greatest advantage lies, despite all its negativity, because what has been created can also be unlearned.