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BDSM aftercare is a cornerstone of a healthy BDSM relationship. When you engage in BDSM sex, depending on the session, it can be rough, humiliating, painful, and above all, intense. Despite all these characteristics, BDSM sex stands for consent and mindfulness, with both partners showing consideration for each other and respecting boundaries. However, the deep emotionality of some practices leaves not only physical marks, but also mental ones. BDSM aftercare is an important part of every session, because physical and psychological integrity is important to BDSM playmates who are on equal footing. We’ll tell you what it involves and why you shouldn’t skip it.
The emotionality of a BDSM session
After vanilla sex, many couples simply cuddle up together and fall asleep exhausted. BDSM practices require more care, because a session can trigger a wide range of emotions. Such emotions and insecurities require a kind of aftercare, which is known in the scene as BDSM aftercare.
Emotions can arise for various reasons and express themselves in just as many different ways. They are not limited to the submissive partner, but also occur in the dominant partner. Especially in romantic relationships, many “masters” find it difficult to humiliate and degrade the partner they love. Questions such as “Did I go too far?” often linger long after the session is over.
Basically, there is no wrong feeling after an intense BDSM experience. Everything is allowed, from sadness to melancholy, depression to euphoria and feelings of happiness. Although this study primarily deals with female participants, the results can most likely be applied to male BDSM practitioners as well. It shows that a successful BDSM session can reduce stress and promote bonding with your partner. BDSM aftercare is particularly important for this last point, the bond of trust.
The five pillars of BDSM aftercare
To maintain or restore physical and emotional health, it is important to pay attention to your needs and those of your partner after each session.
Although every couple has their own rituals, BDSM aftercare is based on five fundamental pillars:
1. Physical care: After every session, it is essential to check for wounds. If there are any marks, they should be cleaned and cared for. Physical discomfort, muscle pain, or back tension must be treated. Physical care also includes covering your partner, giving them clothes, and ensuring a warm environment.
2. Emotional care: An open and honest conversation after the session heals the soul. If someone cries, they should be comforted, hugged, and supported.
3. Discussion: An important part of BDSM aftercare is reviewing the session together. Everyone is allowed to openly discuss what felt good and where there are boundaries for next time. If a blacklist needs to be updated, now is the time to do it.
4. Nutrition: Some sessions last for hours and are exhausting. It is important to drink and eat for care and aftercare. A shared meal is almost always part of aftercare.
5. Relaxation: Simply watching a new episode of your favorite series, cuddling, or meditating is often enough to restore your well-being. A relaxing bath alone or with a partner is also a good way to shake off the stresses of the session.
If you incorporate these five cornerstones into your BDSM experience and take them to heart during aftercare, you will already have covered all the relevant areas. How BDSM aftercare looks in each individual case depends on you as a person, your partner, and your play styles.
BDSM aftercare examples for beginners and pros
Now you know how important aftercare is and are probably wondering how to get started. First, the good news: anything that feels good to you and your partner is allowed. If you really want to eat a huge tub of ice cream and watch your favorite TV show together, that’s just as okay as cuddling for a long time or taking a shower together.
BDSM aftercare works mutually and in harmony. An intense session is special for both parties and requires attention. We have put together seven examples that can serve as soothing aftercare after sex in a BDSM partnership:
1. Treat small wounds: BDSM can sometimes be rough. Restraints, canes, and whips leave their mark on the skin. Taking care of these small wounds is also part of maintaining a healthy partnership. Soothing and cooling creams are a good way to show your partner that you care.
2. Listen to music together: Sometimes you don’t need grand gestures, just space to be. If you have favorite music that you both like, put it on, cuddle up on the bed, or hold hands. The sounds are relaxing, but they also give you space to laugh, cry, or just feel.
3. Watch a comedy: If the mood is melancholic after the session, a funny series or a comedy can help. But always remember that melancholy is allowed too. If the feeling is pleasant, it doesn’t have to go away.
4. Take some space for yourself: Do you want to be alone after a long session to process what you’ve experienced? That’s totally okay, and a good partner will give you that space. The same goes for your partner, of course. If your dom or slave craves some alone time, grant them that request.
5. Talk about everyday life: To get back to the “here and now,” BDSM couples like to chat about everyday topics after a session. Who emptied the dishwasher last? When is Aunt Inge’s birthday again? And who actually has to clean the stairwell this week? Topics like these help you to come back from the fictional session and return to the present.
6. Relaxation exercises: If you are receptive to them, meditation, guided imagery, and mutual massages are also nice ways to relax. The scenes are often very strenuous, and a little rest is a must. If you have the opportunity, take a bath or shower together.
7. Talk about the experience: If one of you feels the need to talk, make sure you do so. Good BDSM experiences are based on honesty and trust. Only by talking openly about your emotions and telling the other person how a situation affected you will you learn for future experiences.
Exactly what BDSM aftercare looks like depends on the scene itself and on you as a person. In some settings, both partners need a high degree of attention afterwards, while in other situations the focus is mainly on one partner.
Conclusion: BDSM aftercare is as important as the session itself
While sex is not necessarily part of a BDSM session, aftercare is not an option, but a must.
Only with comprehensive aftercare can you ensure that you and your partner are both okay.
It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship you have. Even purely sexual partnerships benefit when the needs of the other person continue to be important after the session is over. This shows mindfulness and mutual respect.
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