---
title: "What Does Side Mean for Gay Men? Meaning, Origin and Grindr"
description: "A side is a man who prefers gay sex without anal intercourse. The article covers its origin, the Grindr option, survey numbers, and HIV and STI risk."
url: https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/side-no-anal/
date_published: 2025-03-31
date_modified: 2026-10-07
---
# What Does Side Mean for Gay Men? Meaning, Origin and Grindr

## Table of Contents

- [What side means in gay terms](#the-meaning-of-side-in-gay-sex)
- [Top, bottom, vers and side: the four labels](#the-gay-division-into-active-and-passive-anal-sex)
- [Side as a preference vs. side-lying positions](#h-side-as-a-preference-vs-side-lying-positions)
- [How many gay and bi men skip anal sex](#h-how-many-gay-and-bi-men-skip-anal-sex)
- [Why sides don't want anal sex](#why-sides-reject-anal-sex)
- [What sides do in bed](#h-what-sides-do-in-bed)
- [Being a side on dating apps and in relationships](#h-being-a-side-on-dating-apps-and-in-relationships)
- ["Not real sex"? The stigma sides face](#h-not-real-sex-the-stigma-sides-face)
- [HIV and STI risk without anal sex](#h-hiv-and-sti-risk-without-anal-sex)

In gay slang, a side is a guy who prefers sex with other men without [anal intercourse](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/anal-intercourse/), in either role. The term comes from a US psychotherapist and is now a profile option on Grindr. Sides do have sex, just in ways that skip penetration. A side can be gay, bi or pansexual; what defines a side is the sexual preference, not the orientation.

## What side means in gay terms

Side names a preference, not a role in anal sex.

Grindr’s blog keeps the definition short: at its core, a side is an individual who “doesn’t enjoy giving or receiving anal penetration.” The exception, the post says: some sides have and enjoy penetrative sex occasionally, others never.

Joe Kort, a US psychotherapist with a doctorate in clinical sexology, founded the Center for Relationship and Sexual Health. He came up with the term in 2010 while talking with colleagues and published it in a HuffPost article in 2013.

In a 2022 article, Kort describes a whole range of variants. He names power side, passive side, dom side, sub side, switch side, frot side and oral side.

A [stone top](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/stone-top-2/) has anal sex in one fixed role: he penetrates but never bottoms. A side prefers sex without it.

## Top, bottom, vers and side: the four labels

Side differs from the other three labels: top, bottom and vers are roles in anal sex, while side describes a preference for sex without it. According to Joe Kort, most [gay dating apps](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/gay-dating-apps/) offer only three choices: top, bottom or vers.

A top is the partner who penetrates, a bottom is the partner who receives, and a vers guy switches between the two roles. Side vs. bottom: a bottom prefers receiving in anal sex, a side prefers sex without anal. Vers vs. side: a vers guy enjoys both anal roles, a side prefers sex outside those roles.

The roles of [top, bottom and vers](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/top-and-bottom-basic-terms-explained/) get a fuller explanation in their own guide.

## Side as a preference vs. side-lying positions

Side as a preference and lying on your side during sex are two different things that only share the English word. The [side-by-side and spooning positions](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/anal-sex-positions-for-gays/#h-side-by-side) have their own post.

A side piece is the person someone has an affair with outside a relationship. “Side A” and “Side B” are labels for theological positions on homosexuality in some Christian communities.

## How many gay and bi men skip anal sex

In the European MSM Internet Survey 2017, 26.5 percent of 94,434 men had no anal intercourse at their last encounter with a non-steady partner. MSM stands for men who have sex with men. This number measures behavior in a given time frame, not how many men call themselves sides. In a 2020 French online survey of 8,755 participants, who had to pick one of four labels (top, vers, bottom, side), 2.9 percent picked side.

| Study | Country, survey | Participants | Finding (with or without anal sex) |
| --- | --- | --- | --- |
| Rosenberger and colleagues 2011 | US, online survey | 24,787 gay and bi men | 37.2 percent had anal intercourse at their most recent encounter with a man |
| Schwule Männer und HIV/AIDS 2013 (German online survey) | Germany, 2013 | 16,734 | 15 percent had no anal intercourse in the previous 12 months |
| KABaSTI study, Robert Koch Institute (Germany’s public health agency) | Germany, 2006 | men who had last tested HIV-negative (out of 6,833) | about one in five had no anal intercourse in the year before |

The US survey comes from Rosenberger and colleagues, 2011. It also recorded what else happened at that encounter: kissing 74.5 percent, oral sex 72.7 percent, partnered masturbation 68.4 percent. Anal intercourse was more common among men aged 18 to 24 than in other age groups (42.7 percent). The authors concluded that sex between men is not limited to penetration.

Almost all of these surveys are online convenience samples, so none of them is representative. The time frames differ from study to study, so the rows are not directly comparable.

## Why sides don’t want anal sex

Kort and Grindr’s blog list many possible reasons, and the only study numbers we have are on pain during anal sex. Sides don’t need to justify their preference.

Kort names possible reasons: anal sex hurts or isn’t fun, the feeling isn’t appealing, prepping and cleaning are a hassle, or it simply isn’t erotic. Grindr’s blog adds a longer list: erection difficulties, body image, performance anxiety, fear of HIV and other infections, and past traumatic experiences.

None of the pain studies looked at sides specifically. In a study published in 1998, Rosser and colleagues at the University of Minnesota surveyed 277 men with anal sex experience. Of them, 12 percent rated the pain as too strong to continue. The participants themselves rated too little lube, not being relaxed and no stimulation beforehand as the most important factors for pain.

In a study published in 2005, Damon and Rosser surveyed 404 men who have sex with men. Fourteen percent had anodyspareunia, meaning frequent, strong pain during receptive anal sex. Most described it as lifelong and avoided anal sex at times. The authors concluded that pain is not a necessary consequence of receptive anal sex.

In a 2008 Belgian survey led by Vansintejan, 1,190 men reported receptive anal sex in the past four weeks. Of them, 59 percent reported some pain and 2 percent severe pain.

If you want to try anal, see [anal sex preparation](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/anal-sex-preparation-2/).

## What sides do in bed

Sides have a repertoire that runs from frottage to massage. Grindr’s blog names frottage, making out, oral sex, touch and massage, and mutual masturbation.

- Frottage: [frotting](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/frotting-erotic-friction/)
- Mutual masturbation: [masturbation with your partner](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/masturbation-with-your-partner/)
- Massage: [intimate massage](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/intimate-massage/)
- Oral sex and making out

Two more options from our blog:

- [Sex toys for sides](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/gay-sex-toys-without-penetration/)
- [Orgasm without anal sex](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/anal-sex-orgasm/)

Sides who want more can browse [all our posts on sex without anal](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/side-en/).

## Being a side on dating apps and in relationships

Side is listed on Grindr as its own position on profiles. Grindr’s help center explains the option as “no penetration”.

According to the Guardian, Grindr added the position in May 2022. The paper gives significant credit for the addition to writer Bobby Box. Joe Kort points to a petition from his Facebook group “Side Guys”.

Scruff’s release notes mention a “Side” option under sexual preference. Romeo’s English profile guide mentions “side” next to top, vers and bottom.

The sides the Guardian interviewed said they had no trouble meeting men for first hookups. Being a side became a dealbreaker only in romantic relationships. Some sides with long-term partners keep their relationships open. Kort told Grindr that in his twenties many guys passed on him because he didn’t want to fuck.

## “Not real sex”? The stigma sides face

Sides report that other gay men tell them what they do isn’t real sex, and Kort disagrees. The accusations, per Kort: “What’s wrong with you?”, “Were you traumatized or something?”, “What do you do then?”

Kort has seen clients who carry shame for not wanting anal sex. He himself was once called a “virgin”.

According to the Guardian, many sides say community members often view them as immature, lazy or even asexual. Lucien Samaha, 64 at the time, from New York, told the paper: “You’re made to feel like you’re less than a full gay person.”

Kort’s answer, in Grindr’s blog: “things like foreplay and masturbation are still sex.” Men who say they aren’t having sex without penetration are, in his words, “incorrect”.

Members of Kort’s Facebook group feel liberated, he says, and for them the group works like therapy.

## HIV and STI risk without anal sex

HIV risk is highest with anal sex. [Sexually transmitted infections](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/health-en/sexually-transmitted-infections/) (STIs) such as syphilis, gonorrhea and mpox also spread without anal sex, for example through oral sex. The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates the risk per 10,000 exposures to a partner with HIV. For receptive anal sex, that estimate is 138. For insertive anal sex, it is 11.

Protective factors such as condoms, [HIV treatment](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/hiv-symptom/) or pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) are not included in these numbers. Factors that raise the risk, such as other STIs or a high viral load, are not included either. For oral sex, the CDC gives no number, because the risk is too low to put a precise figure on. In the CDC’s words: “There is little to no risk of getting or transmitting HIV from oral sex.” These estimates apply to any anal sex, including for sides who have it now and then.

Mutual masturbation and kissing carry a negligible HIV risk, according to the CDC. We have a separate analysis of the [HIV risk during frotting](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/frotting-hiv-risk/).

The CDC also states: “Many sexually transmitted infections (STIs) spread through oral sex.” Deutsche Aidshilfe, Germany’s national HIV and STI organization, adds specifics. Syphilis can be passed on during any sexual contact. Gonorrhea spreads orally too and causes few or no symptoms in the throat.

According to the CDC, mpox spreads through direct skin-to-skin contact with the rash, including during oral sex, touching, hugging, massage and kissing. Our guide to [safer oral sex](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/safer-oral-sex-risks-protection-2/) has the details.

The CDC recommends STI screening, including HIV and syphilis, for all men who have sex with men at least once a year. It advises screening every 3 to 6 months for syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia when risk behavior continues. The same applies when they or their partners have multiple partners. Men who had receptive oral sex in the past year should also get a throat test for gonorrhea. Deutsche Aidshilfe advises men with frequently changing partners to test once a year for HIV, syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea.

Deutsche Aidshilfe adds a rule for everyone: get tested whenever symptoms appear, such as itching, burning, sores or blisters. Also get tested when a partner tells you he has an STI.

## FAQ

### Do sides need PrEP?

PrEP is [HIV prevention](https://gay-blog.tomrockets.com/en/hiv-prevention/) medication. According to Deutsche Aidshilfe, men who only have oral sex and no anal sex do not need PrEP in principle. The reason: the HIV risk from oral sex is negligible. That statement covers HIV only, not other STIs, and does not apply to sides who have anal sex occasionally.

### Am I a side if I sometimes have anal sex?

Possibly, yes. Kort’s list includes top side, bottom side and vers side. A top side prefers the insertive role, a bottom side the receptive role, a vers side has no fixed role preference. He also describes side-ish or mostly a side, for men who have anal sex only occasionally. In all of these, side stays the main preference, so the label still fits.

### Is being a side a sexual orientation?

No, Kort calls it a sexual preference. Sides are not automatically asexual. Per Kort, that misconception comes from assuming that men who skip anal intercourse are not having sex at all.

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